i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
