I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
