i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
