he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
