You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
