So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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