I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
