college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
