I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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