no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
