omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
