JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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