I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
