I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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