News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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