My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize