i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
