I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
