My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
