Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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