I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
