I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
