im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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