Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I touched a dick in church today
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