Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
