if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
