ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
