My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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