Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
