my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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