A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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