Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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