so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
