I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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