I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
