kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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