Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
