im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
