i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
