does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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