Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
