if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
