Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
