So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
