My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
