I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
