You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
