So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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