I am in a vortex of obligation.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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