Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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