I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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