remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
should my penis look like a turkey
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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