If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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