Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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