She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
