I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
