Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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