So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
