The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
